Life. Liberty. The pursuit of skinny.
Every morsel, every bite, each sip and all the crumbs. I hate that I have this huge appetite. The crumbs, sips and bites all represented bigger breast, thighs that grew out of control and hips that wouldn’t stop spreading. If only I could find a way to forever stop eating then I would be the perfect size. The size that I couldn’t wait to try on clothes at the mall. The size that accentuated my collar bones. The size that made my hip bones pop and my skinny jeans bearable. I only buy clothes when I am skinny. I only take photo shoots at this size. I only date at this size.
I own relics of my skinny pursuits. The remnants of clothes left in my closet that I can no longer fit, the shirts from old boyfriends that are now exes and the best part Facebook reminders of your formally skinny self. Enjoying my life and eating good food meant that I was giving up the pursuit of skinny. Enjoying my skinny life meant that I was forgoing the delights of what it truly meant to live.
A Skinny me
More ambitious me
Thigh fighter me
Food hater me
I truly don’t know what happen. One day I woke up and hated being mad at my body. I couldn't spend another moment scrutinizing. I refused to judge other people on their size. I couldn’t calm down from another anxiety attack that I was no longer able to fit my skinny jeans. I raised my white flag. Exhausted and unable to battle the fat demons. In my heart existed a universe of ideas, businesses and dreams that seemed much bigger than the pursuit of skinny. Skinny was no longer useful, the short burst of confidence while good, was not real. Skinny was hindering my happiness.
A Bigger me
How do I survive without the pursuit of skinny. I am not quite sure, I am still figuring it out. I look in the mirror. When I start the broken record of inner insults- I quickly turn it off. I look at my breast and compliment their fullness. I see my thighs and I am thankful they have carried me on many adventures. I turn and look at the folds in my back and I am thankful it has allowed me to stand upright in a world that is always trying to knock me down. My body has been good to me. It has endured my many insults, little sleep and over worked lifestyle. My body thrives and for that I am grateful. I hope that I come to the point where I can promise it that I will no longer pursue skinny. I do promise that I will have gratitude for the body of this moment.