Breakups: Lead By The Spirt

Self Portrait by Vaughn James

Self Portrait by Vaughn James

There have been points in my life where I felt utterly stuck in motion. No matter how many ways I tried to move I was always repeating the same mistakes, going around the same mountains and realizing the same things. It is a hard pill to swallow when the same trials in your life reappear 10 years later. I came to that point of realization again recently as I ended another romantic relationship. There was plenty of blame to go around (of course more on his side). While I could sit there and rack up an entire list of things my partner did wrong, and have friends who would co-sign and cheer me on as I did so it did not feel right this time. I couldn’t blame him, I couldn’t even blame God the only thing left after going through this test yet again and failing was ME. You see the arrow had been slightly pointed toward me my last major break up, but this time there was a big red Vegas style arrow just hanging over my head.

My friends reading this will probably think I am ridiculous even my ex reading this may think I am as well. I don’t think I was a bad girlfriend. I was supportive, caring and I truly loved and sacrificed. Actually, the reason that the blame is on me has nothing to do with my ex but entirely to do with my own spiritual relationship. God had made things plain at various times in the process of dating and then getting into a serious relationship that this was not the situation for me and that I should not continue. I fought against those spiritual promptings. I silenced the inner voice of God and I chose my own voice. I figured, this was my chance I rationalized “I am at a level of intelligent faith that I derive the spiritual lessons in a relationship that I wasn’t meant to be in.” I was scraping for meaning in everything. I felt the entire thing was grooming my spirit. The problem was it wasn’t and one day I looked up and didn’t even recognize myself. I had go so far down a road of following my own will that I had become someone who God had not intended me to be. Maybe, I could rationalize things if the new person I was becoming was better - but it was far from it. I felt my heart growing cold toward God and I knew it was time to go.


I sat heartbroken yet again trying to figure out where I went wrong. After many tears, repenting and laying crushed before the Lord he showed me my mistakes. I had turned the Holy Spirit’s voice down for my own on so many occasions that I had to retrain myself to hear it again. Can I just say the remarkable thing about God is that he is always there, always willing to restore and heal to set us back on the right path even if we get turned around. Within the first week my life instantly improved. It was the details in the small things of my life that God was showing me I could commit to him as well. For example I was flying to Houston on a red eye from New York, I knew I would need sleep when I got there so I figured I book a day room at a hotel; God kept telling me not to worry about it and after a few minutes of trying to book online I quit. I land in Houston and I get a text from my friend who I am meeting with that evening that she booked me a day room at a Hotel in town. I was floored. So many things like this kept happening. God was prompting me not to worry about lunch for a day and I had a co-worker bring me lunch; I was worried about finding a good seat at a conference and a friend text me and tells me she saved me one. I could go on and on.

The point of all this in the matters of my heart, God told me to take a huge chill pill. In all those little instances, I would try to work and create a plan that was only subpar to what I actually got. Imagine how many fewer gray hairs I would have, how far I could have been in life if I always followed God’s voice. I had to kill my ego, that was the loudest voice inside of me. My ego caused me to do things to glorify myself. My ego had no patience and caused me to be impulsive and controlling. It is a chore for me to surrender but I have seen just how much God wants to work in my life, if I allow him to.

I say this all in hopes that you too will place your trust in God. That you will clear out the distractions that are creating so much noise in your spirit. Let go of trying to make things workout for yourself. We do such a lousy job at playing god anyway. Rest in the peace that is God. Fill your mind with the many promises that are in scripture of how God will always be there for us, that he is closer to us than we are to ourselves that he is the ultimate provider. My prayer is that you become a truly spirit led person in every aspect of your life. You are ultimately loved and cherished by Jesus.